Remember how dolls are bad? Under the Hell NO! and ABSOLUTELY NOT categories? Well...

I was recently asked on tumblr by indecisivejess what my greatest fear is.

This was my response (to be illustrated later):

I'm glad you asked. I had a few of the normal ones that stuck with me such as fears of being utterly alone or losing loved ones but my biggest "irrational" fear was dolls coming to life to kill me. I don't know precisely how it started. I didn't see Child's Play till I was 20 or 21. I did see the commercials for it, however, and had many recurring nightmares with Chucky (and the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang for some reason). I think it was just the concept that terrified me. I wasn't afraid of ghosts or monsters really until I got older. I did have dolls (mostly stuffed animals) that I really liked/loved. But there was at least one... Hmm, how should I explain? I once had this simple cloth soft doll I named Mary after Mary had a Little Lamb (because she looked like a shepherdess I guess) and I loved her. I think she was my first doll. I would fall asleep with her and pretend she was my confidant that could understand any secret language I made up (this only really lasted through age 3-4 but she still has a soft spot in my heart). Then the One That Shall Never Be Named (we shall call her IT) arrived shortly after her.

IT was a blond haired blue eyed life like toddler doll in permanent blue pajamas that I think my Aunt and Uncle gave me (I was born with blond hair and blue eyes that better late than never turned green). IT was the model with lifelike hands and feet that were soft but hard plastic. IT would close its eyes when you laid IT down and when you picked IT up its eyes rolled open. Terrifying. Anyway, I preferred Mary so I slept with Mary and Left IT lying on a chair in my room. One night I woke up with a strange feeling. I would sometimes get what I now know to be sleep paralysis but then thought I was just scared to the point that I couldn't move and could hardly breathe. I saw IT lying on the chair slowly jump (I mean fall) off the chair onto the floor where its eyes began rolling uncontrollably in the back of its head like Godzilla's in the old cheesy flicks with Ghidorah. I have never been so horrified in all my life. Now, realistically I understand that IT was just probably placed so carelessly on the chair that IT was slowly slipping off, drawn by gravity. But every time I think of it I still see how quickly it seemed to have been on the chair then on its back on the floor staring at me with rolling demonic eyes. No one knew about my fear for a long time because of how I bravely dealt with it. I took it as a warning that I wasn't spending enough time with IT and that if I didn't change my ways IT would not only destroy Mary but also murder me in my sleep.

I carried IT everywhere I took Mary. I slept with Mary on one side (protecting her from IT) and IT on the other and it was not an easy slumber I tell you. My mom probably remembers an adorable moment when she walked in on my talking to all of my dolls and stuffed animals about how I loved them all equally. What she didn't realize it that I believed that if I didn't convince them of this they would take offense and find something sharp to stab/slice me with (also a fear). I even apologized for not always giving some of them enough attention and how I would try to mend my ways, giving them various excuses such as my family taking up some of my time (but trying to downplay it so they didn't decide to try to kill my parents or visiting grandmother). It was Hell. My parents would leave my closet slightly open with the light on so I had a night light. I watched that crack as if my life depended on it just waiting for the moment I saw a small shadow or heard a thump (which sometimes an animal/doll did fall from a shelf in my closet and I would run into my parents' room or yell their names over and over giving them the excuse that I desperately need a glass of water or something so that they might protect me if the animal/doll decided to act but they wouldn't know the truth so they were protected by their blissful ignorance and the animal/doll would have no reason to hurt them.

I hated IT most of all. I would purposefully forget IT if I could manage when I visited my grandma but it didn't always work. I had to make it look like I accidentally forgot IT and was sad for the loss but that sometimes made my parents remember to pack IT so it was a very hard and trying time in my life. I'm pretty sure I stuffed IT in a black plastic garbage bag with a bunch of other unwanted "but loved" toys locked away in a spare closet. Dolls still scare me. The movie Child's Play was not so bad. But you know that movie Dead Silence. It wasn't that bad of a horror flick but every time a dummy was suddenly there (moving or still) no matter how cheesy I flinched and felt like screaming until it was gone. Every time I play a horror game or watch a horror movie I laugh and have fun until I see a doll, no matter how unrelated it is to the actual plot, and then I shriek or am almost on the verge of tears. I'll even shake or hold onto a friend or family member until I'm certain it won't pop up again. Even in non horror movies I get terrified suddenly by a sudden glimpse of a doll. Toy Story, surprisingly is still enjoyable to me, even Sid's room. Though in Toy Story 3 (you can ask my mom) I almost had a panic attack every time I saw the walking baby doll with the bottle. I practically climbed up my theater seat the first time I saw him. He reminded me a little too much of IT I guess.

Absolutely terrifying.

PS - I will try to find a picture with Mary and/or IT so you can understand my sheer delight with Mary and my utter terror with IT.